apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
