Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
where are my eyebrows?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
