I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
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