I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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