Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize