you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
