Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
