Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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