What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
