finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
