Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
