hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
