So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
