my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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