Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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