the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
