Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
