Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
