the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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