You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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