Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
