Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
