Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
