our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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