respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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