I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
