Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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