I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
