I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Barsexuality is the new black.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
