she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
