you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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