does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize