i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
