when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
