I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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