I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
