I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
