I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm just crazy horny about you
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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