Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
