Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
