YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
two words...techno handjob
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
