I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I have tasted many bathrooms
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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