I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
