walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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