This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
