Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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