'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
