Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
