I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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