she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
