Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
