mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
