I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize