if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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