he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
This is my gift to your gina
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
