he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You left your phone here
Wait...
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