i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
