i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize