Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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