Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
